Choices & Divine Healing in the ICU

Choices & Divine Healing in the ICU

BreathingIf I’ve learned anything the last 10 or so years of my life if the last decade or so, it’s to enjoy sweet moments for they are often fast and fleeting.  I am learning to let go of the painful moments rather than choosing to experience their pain again and again each time the though surfaces  Most importantly I discovered how to cheerish the eternal moments and divine nature of this life. It is everythihg. All that I have,  With it, I never need to shrink from what lies ahead.

They say that I’f you don’t your health, then you don’t have anything. By this standard must be very poor indeed at writing from a hospital bed in the ICU.  Laying here for the last five days in pain and  unable to move my limbs let alone breathe without the assistance of machines, I’ve had all my blood removed, cleaned and returned to my body without any plasma five times.  i’ve realized there’s a lot of ways I could be consuming my time.  Or worse:  letting my time consume me.

balloonallergyI could bask in the fleeting joy of being a a birthday party which triggered this frightening experience. Or I could be berating myself for rationalizing staying at the part once I saw that there were latex balloons everywhere since I already knew that I can react just by breathing the air around them.  But I seemed find throughout the party until I got home and went to bed.

I woke up at 5am having trouble breathing.  Neck and face swollen.  Wheezing.  It was too severe to go to my normal hospital where all my doctors are which is about an hour away from me.  But I figured, it’s just an allergy?  IT’s not like I’ll be admitted.  Riiiiiight.

So I raced to the nearest hospital and was taking right back and given large doees of IV steroids, benadryl and epinephrine   As soon as the epi entered my bloodstream i could breathe again.  But my releef was fleeting.

After about 30 minutes my legs starteed to grow heavy.  Then my arms.  Then my voice got weak. It could only mean one thing.  Myasthenic Crisis.  But I refused to let terror set in.  Not then.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ ofLatter Day Saints, I am so grateful to have priesthood holders who can perform blessings for comfort and healing for me whenever I need to.  Their Priesthood comes directly from Jesus Christ himself.  So I called my Home Teacher to give me a blessing.  He and another member of my church came and blessed me with all the things I needed to hear to get through the last several days and be comforted.  It was very emotional and I’m eternally grateful for the peace I received in a time of so much fear.

Chirst's Healing Words

Chirst’s Healing Words

Since my last 3 month stay in the hospital last summer in which I was intubated for over a month in the ICU from Myasthenia as well, I’d be dreading this would happen again.  I’ve been dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from it.  But in one simple moment, all my fear melted away into love for my Heavenly Father and the plan he has for me.  In the arms of his love I was swallowed up in divine trust.

That moment has since past and I still need to keep calling it back up for myself.  Reminding myself that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and everything I need.  I will be taken care of if I just remain ever faithful and endure to the end.

So though it may seem strange to have such a spiritally connected moment in the noisy Emergency Room.  To me it makes perfect sense.  It’s how I’ve learned to cherish divine nature (in others, in God, Christ, and especially in myself)  Surrounded by the divine nature of all the wonders of life Heavenly Father and my savoir  Jesus Christ has provided to me, I have no cause to shirnk.  In fact,  I must not shrink.  As I stand strong, my testimony will grow as I feast on the gospel at all times and cleave closer to my Savior’s atoning and enabling sacrifice during there types of trials.

I dont’ know when this particular trial will end, but I know that with faith I will endure all things.

Living Up to Teenage Expectations (Ten Years Later)

Living Up to Teenage Expectations (Ten Years Later)

My High School Graduation (2001)

My High School Graduation (2001)

Last night I went to my ten year high school reunion, and it has put me in a reflective mood.  It was fun (though somewhat strange) to see everyone after ten years apart.  I was impressed by how friendly everyone was and how genuinely happy everyone seemed to reconnect with everyone.  It has me thinking though about my seventeen year old self and who I thought I’d become verus who I’ve actually become.

When I was seventeen I had a lot of expectations for myself and everyone.  The other day on Twitter I mentioned that I was “Trying not to compare myself to the me my 17 year old self thought I’d be by now.”  My friend (@nerdgoddess) replied, “Don’t worry. I don’t think any of us live up to our teenage expectations.”  I think this must be true.  But I sure had a lot of them at that age.  At seventeen, I thought that by ten years later I’d have made my first film, have a husband or at least a serious boyfriend, and be living on my own.  None of these predictions were accurate.

At first I was feeling kind of bummed about what my seventeen year old self would have thought of me now, but on further reflection I’m really rather happy with where my life is at as unpredictable as the last ten years have been.  It hasn’t all been great; don’t get me wrong.  No one predicts or wants to think they are going to end up with a chronic illness.  But there have also been so many wonderful things that have come of the last ten years of my life.

When I was seventeen, I was headed to the University of Southern California to study film.  I wanted to be a director.  Or at least I thought I did.  And although I’m sure I could have found happiness pursuing that line of work, my real love is for the written word – specifically the novel.  At seventeen, I never would have considered that I’d have it in me to write a whole rough draft of a novel by the age of twenty-seven or that I would be doing freelance graphic and web design.  Or that I’d be designing Alternate Reality Games.

When I was seventeen, I was in the middle of a serious depression.  My perfectionism consumed my life and made me miserable.  Thanks to meds and therapy and a lot of hard work, I have found so much happiness in the last several years.  And that is something I certainly didn’t expect at the time.  In fact, at the time I didn’t even know what it was to be happy.

When I was seventeen, I was essentially an agnostic Jew searching for some meaning and connection to something larger.  I NEVER would have dreamed in a million years that I would have found it in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  But a little over a year ago I did.  And becoming Mormon has brought me a level of joy, comfort, and perspective on life I never anticipated was possible.

The last ten years have been a roller-coaster ride that my seventeen year old self never would have imagined.  Sometimes the sudden drops and loops make me want to throw up, but all in all I wouldn’t get off the ride for anything.

Enhanced by Zemanta