Posts tagged support
Sitting in my bed Sunday night, I could no longer hold back my sobs. Tears flowed from my eyes, more like a raging river than a stream. My whole body shook. The emotional pain was a ocean so deep, I thought I might drown.
Sometimes it can seem easier to numb ourselves than allow ourselves to feel the depth of our own sorrows. We live in a world that offers us an endless array of ways to detach from our own human experience much of which is negative. Easy fixes.
For example, why would you ever want to feel the anguish of a bitter divorce when they can distract from those difficult emotions with the instant gratification of endless hours of Farmville instead. Why feel lonely when you can zone out in front of the television all evening. When you can mpathize with the sorrows of fictional characters instead of paying attention to your own. What else do the advertisements for alcohol and other substances teach us than to forget our problems? Hard day? Forget it with a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, or a cigarette. If we can’t feel happy all the time well then at least we can feel a little more numb, right?
For much of the last two years and in a way for most of my life, I’ve been operating under this assumption that emotional pain is to be avoided at all cost. For years I’ve been avoiding it subconsciously, not realizing what I was doing . So I’d stay up half the night talking online to perfectly nice people from across the globe I barely knew rather than facing a dark bedroom where the pain of a traumatic event might slip in through the shadows. Better to sit in the false light of energy saving bulbs than think about things that were just too painful to consider. And yet at the same time I’ve been on a journey to find a better way. Sunday night I found it.
As I completed a call with my best friend who has recently moved to Texas, I found myself getting more and more lonely and distraught. That normally would have cued me to immediately get on my computer to do something to distract me. That night was different. I decided to do an experiment. I would let myself just feel what I was feeling and see what would happen. Instead of shutting my emotions down or off, I welcomed those troubling feelings, letting them flow thorugh me on every level. I started to journal my emotions to help me both delve in and get it out of my head. But even still I felt so alone in my suffereing, it was nearly unbearable.
Then, after 10 or so minutes, the most amazing thing happened: I started to feel better not worse, and I started to feel God’s love wrapping its arms around me. I began to feel grateful for those painful feelings, because I finally started to see what was on the other side of experiencing them completely. On the otherside was peace and relief, even hope. In my journal I wrote:
Sometimes I guess I just need to let myself feel how deep my sadness goes. I wish I had someone to hold me right now. I’ve gone through so much. Over and over again. And the trauma doesn’t seem to go away. I change. My mood changes, but something in me stays with the trauma and mostly I deny myself the ability to feel what I’m gong through. But through it all there’s the sweetness of the Spirit of God. It it warm and comforting and I feel wrapped in it, it gives me permission it feel these things. To put my toe in the deep abyss of my heartache.
I know He [Christ] can heal me in ways I cannot heal myself. It takes time. It takes patience and faith and more faith. I sometimes don’t know the answer of who to be. But Christ has the answer, even if I’m not ready to receive it. […] Life is so hard sometimes. Emotions are so overwhelming sometimes. I am reaching for the light that only Christ can offer. He, and only He, is the Prince of Peace, the one who can bring me calm waters to my soul. It amazes me how deep His love for me is. How He is willing to hold all my suffering even now and again and again. Even though he bore it all already. He is always there to bear by burdens.
At the end of the day, on some level it is still easier to just numb myself, but I’m learning how that isn’t the way to feel true relief. There is so much better on the other side of our sorrows if we just let ourselves feel and endure them for a little while. Sometimes you have to go through a dark and treacherous swamp to reach the castle, and sometimes you have to sob to feel peace.
Today was Valentine’s Day. That means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So whether you thought today was a day to eat lots of chocolate or a day to send lots of love notes or even a day made up by a card company, I think today was a good reminder to appreciate the love we have in our lives. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to think about how much I’m blessed with love in my life. It’s funny, even though I occasionally have feelings of loneliness or not being cared for, when I start really thinking about the blessing of love in my life, I realize my cup is overflowing.
One main source of love in my life is my friends and family. Their love and support through even the darkest of times strengthen me. And I have some much love for them in return. One of the main ways I show my love is through crafting. So I made some Valentine’s to give to some of my closest loved one.
Unfortunately Valentine’s Day only lasts one day, and now it’s already come to a close… until next year. But all the grand Valentine’s gestures don’t have to be a once a year thing. Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t wait to shower each other with tons of extra signs of affection until there was a designated day? I for one want to strive to spread a little bit more Valentine’s Day love during the other 364 days of the year.
So what can you do to keep the Valentine’s Day spirit year round?
Text, Email, or Call your loved ones to let them know you care and are thinking of them.
As You Wish
Tell the people in your life, “I love you” often and sincerely.
Little token gifts now and then make loved ones feel remembered. Remember it’s not about how much you spend, but about how much thought you put into it. It can even be something handmade like a card.
Heart to Heart
The most profound way to show your love is simply by being there for your loved one as they experience the ups and downs of life. Be a listening and compassionate ear!
What other ideas do you have to create an atmosphere of Valentine’s Day love all year round? Please leave your suggestions in the comments!
It’s been a long nine weeks. Another nine long weeks I’ve spent in the hosptial with whole month spent in the ICU. I’m supposed to go home in the morning finally. I’m hesitantly relieved. I don’t want to be disappointed.
Being in the hosptial for any period of time is really hard. Probably one of the hardest if not the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. Espeically when the stay is super long and the reason is life threatening involving ICUs, ventillators, comas, and the like, it’s especially important to feel the love of those around me, to know that I am not alone in this.
And my friend and family have really risen to the occasion over the last 9 weeks. I couldn’t be more grateful for everything they’ve done for me. They have been my emotional and spirital life support while on physical life support most of the time in the hosptial. I can’t thank them enough.
When your friend or family memeber is extremely ill in the hosptial and ICU it’s hard to know what to do or say. Here’s some of what I appreciated the most to serve as an idea guide to helping support someone through a rough hosptial stay:
- Call or text ahead.
Let the person or the family memeber staying with them that you are coming so they can be prepared or let you know if its not a good time. For example, the person might be in a proceedure or be sleeping when you plan on coming.
- Ask what you can bring. Often times ICUs have restrictions on live flowers and other things that can be brought in. Very sick patients often have dietary restrictions, allergies, or simply aren’t eating at all. Don’t be afriad to come right out and ask what the situation is before you bring something. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated.
- Bring reminders of life outside the hosptial. The most amazing awesome thing my friends did for me was decorate every inch of my room with photos and artwork and Christmas decorations for the holiday. My friend Katy took photos off my own facebook accooutn and got them printed out and posted them in a giant collage covering an entire wall under the window to remind me of all my friends and happier times. I have photos of my dog, myself as a kid doing fun things, my family, and other fun stuff. She also took a calendar with photos of Christ which is extremely important to me as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and got them laminated then hung them all over another wall. That allowed me to feel the Spirit of God in my hosptial room and be constantly reminded of my Savior’s and God’s love for me. Other friends decorated for Christmas since I spenddt the holidays in the hosptial as well. They put up gingerbread men, wreaths, garlands and more. My mmom got me a tiny Christmas tree and a star. My room had to have been the most amazingly festive of the whole hosptial because everytime anyone came in to give to a treatment or do a proceedure the ooo’d and ahh’d over my decor! It brought joy to everyone who entered my room, and especially me! I am so grateful to everyone who took the time to do it
- Promote Health If you think that you are sick, don’t come and visit! A person in the hosptial has a weakened immune system and can get much worse from a simple cold.
- Remember Their Other Family and Pets If you can offer to help out with their other family members who may also need things during this time as well as their pets who don’t stop needing walks, love and attention while your friend is in the hosptial for prolongued periods.
- Listen and Love The most important thing you can do is just listen, love and otherwise be a emotional and spiritual support while your loved one goes through this hard experience. They need your listening ear to vent sometimes, to cry sometimes, to worry, and be angry sometimes. They need your kind words to comfort always, to remind them you love them always, to be in their corner always, to boost them up when they are down, and to always be their friend and support and cheerleader. Remind them how much they are loved and missed by everyone else.
- Visit!!! Phone calls and texts are great, but nothing beats an in person visit when you are lonely and scared in the hosptial for long periods of time. And the longer the hosptial stay goes on the worse it feels, but the less people tend to remember to come because the novelty of it starts to wear off. Don’t forget your friend is still going though it in the hospital just because it’s been going on for 2 months!
- Don’t Unload Don’t tell the person in the hosptial how hard it is for you to see them in the hosptial. It only makes the patient feel like a burden. Of course you are worried and stressed yourself but make sure you talk about it with someone who isn’t as close to the person as you are and definitely not the patient themselves.
- Be Yourself If all else fails just be yourself. The person that the patient missed from when they were well and wants to see is YOU! Don’t overly worry about what to say and how to act. They just miss you and want to be with their friend or family member. They want your company and comfort that only you know how to give because you are the only person who is you. The worse thing you can do isn’t to say or do the wrong thing but to do nothing and make the patient feel completely forgotten about and abandoned by you.
- Bring Them Home! When your loved one in the hospital makes it home, don’t forget about them then either! They often will be stuck at home for some time and need just as much love and attention brought to them there as they did in the hosptial. So bring them home!
I am so grateful for my friends and family who did everything I just described above and so much more! They made it possible for me to emotionally and spiritually survive this hosptial stay. It really wouldn’t have been barable without all of you so thank you soooo much!!! I am especially grateful to God and Christ. They are always there for me and I know that this too shall pass and even this difficult trial I have endured will be for my benefit. I know it is slowly and rather painfully shaping me into who I am to be someday. But the pain was made less by some photobombs and a lot of love from friends and family.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!!!!!
Sometimes, despite my best intentions, strongest convictions, all my strength and will, all my hope and faith, commitment and passion… sometimes despite everything I am, was, and will ever be… sometimes things fall apart.
Sometimes it seems like there’s no putting things back together again.
The past few weeks I’ve had my fill of Humpty Dumpty moments. My emotions splatted out on the ground for the whole world to see. At first it was for seemingly no reason. Then, little by little the source of my tears began to bubble to the surface. Flashes of suppressed memories of my last three month hospitalization haunt me. I was in the ICU almost a month and I remember everything.
Yesterday was odd sort of relief at receiving a diagnosis.
When I got home from my doctor’s office, I decided it’s time to stop suppressing the pain. Putting a name to it is a good first step, but it was really time to let a little of it out. So I wrote this poem about the experience:
by Lauren Soffer
How can I speak when
The pain leaves me breathless
Tear drops unspoken
Defined by wounds unforgotten
A prisoner of my own head
Where darkness ends
My Savior carries me
Breathing each breath
As I relinquish my anguish
For His infinite love
Safe in His Eternal arms
I am found
Through writing the poem, in a tiny way I began the process of transformation. Turning something ugly into something beautiful. Turning my pain into strength. And with that I found a iota of peace in that moment. I am struck by the following scripture:
And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (D&C 122:7)
I’m grateful to have the faith that hard things in life will all be for my growth and benefit. Maybe things fall apart because life is like a jigsaw puzzle: there’s no point if it comes already put together.
Why gratitude? I’ve been in the hospital. I’ve been sick. Really sick. Several weeks on life support when I was too weak to breathe on my own. So though there’s been moments of fear, of anger, of bitterness, of longing, of frustration, when I think about what has really filled my heart throughout this ordeal it is gratitude. This experience has left me so so so grateful for my life!
My family has been amazing. They’ve been here nearly every single day to make sure things went right and to be my support and my company. To hold my hand and to just let me know they love me.
My friends… I can’t even think about how hugely the’ve been here for me without getting teary eyed. They’ve sent cards and gifts. And most importantly they’ve showed up and entertained during these long dark weeks. My friends make me feel so loved. I don’t know how I’m so deserving, but I try to be better everyday to deserve how well my friends treat me.
My Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. Without them I would be so lost. They give me the strength to endure these tough times. And I am grateful for these hard times as the polish me into the person my Father in Heaven would have me be.
My self expression. I’ve spent most of the past six weeks a complete mute. Communicating by writing notes either on paper or one my laptop since it’s rather hard to talk with a breathing tube down your throat. But last night I got a special valve to put on my tracheotomy that allows me to start to speak again.
In my life, I’ve found that everyday is the perfect day to make a resolution. Everyday is a perfect opportunity to commit to something that will transform my life into whatever I am determined to make it.
The key word for me is commitment. Doing what I say I will do when I say I will do it in the way it was meant to be done. This is no small feat. Days are busy and intense, and what I’m committed to often gets buried under layers of things that seem more urgent but are in reality less important.
Fear, too, can be commitment’s nemesis. Like so many people, I am afraid of change. I am sometimes afraid to commit to the very things I ultimately want. But it would be tragic to let fear of abandoning what’s not working but is comfortable determine what I am willing to commit to. So commitment takes courage. The best definition of courage goes like this: courage isn’t the absence of fear but a willingness to act in the face of fear.
So what am I committed to?
Three things immediately come to mind. Writing, health, and faith.
I call myself a writer. And writers write. It’s not hard to realize that I need to write. I have two novels I’m working on. One is a first draft and one is a second draft. I am committed to finishing them and getting them published. It’s great that I say I’m committed, but that is not enough. I need to take actions towards my commitment and be accountable for them. So over a week ago I set up a structure in my life to help me meet my commitment. I got in touch with one of the members of my weekly writing critique group and told her my commitment. I told her that I wanted to be working on my writing for 2 hours every weekday. And I asked her to be my accountability buddy in this commitment. She agreed and requested that I be the same for her. So last week, everyday at 8am we’ve checked in via Skype to talk about what we’ll be writing over the next two hours. The we’ve written until 10am at which point we’ve briefly checked in again to discuss how it went.
It has been a great experience so far. And it’s given me insight into a pattern of steps I need to take to meet my commitments. They are:
- Say it.
- Do it.
- Account for it.
“Say it” is just like it sounds. It’s declaring what I’m committed to and what actions I’m going to take to meet that commitment in a formal fashion so that it is clear what I’m committing to and what I’m going to do about it.
“Do it” means following through on those actions I committed to.
And “Account For It” means to in some way set up a structure of accountability for what I am committed to. That could be another person I ask to hold me to account or it could be something entirely different such as a reward structure for when I meet certain commitments.
So far I have a great structure in place for my writing. I’ve started to setup something similar for my health, but I’ve come up short in the “do it” and “account for it” departments. That doesn’t mean I have to beat myself up for not following through. It’s merely an opportunity to re-commit to my structure. And finally I plan to figure out some sort of structure to support my commitment to my faith.
So this year isn’t a year for New Year’s resolutions so quickly out of sight, out of mind. It’s a year of commitments. Commitments I recommit to everyday, every hour, every minute.
When I look back on the most rewarding experiences of my life, they are almost all to do with serving others. Right now I’m working on a community service project called Scrapaganza. Scrapaganza is a scrapbooking event at the Ronald McDonald House in Los Angeles that celebrates the beauty of every life as a source of inspiration.
Ronald McDonald House provides housing for families who have seriously ill and injured children in the hospital. These parents and siblings are dealing with very difficult circumstances. Scrapaganza will be a source of joy during this stressful time in their lives.
The event will be open to all families currently staying at Ronald McDonald House. After an inspiring keynote, each family will create a beautiful scrapbook telling their personal story and celebrating joyous memories. Expert scrapbookers will be on hand to lend support and assistance.
Scrapaganza is currently seeking volunteers and donations. Find out how you can get involved!
Please help me spread the word by posting http://scrapaganza.org to your Facebook, Twitter, and etc! Thanks so much for your support!
I share a special relationship with my mom, but it hasn’t always been that way, and it hasn’t always been easy.
Growing up I didn’t feel I was loved unconditionally by either of my parents, but especially not by my mom. It’s strange looking back at how I felt because it is so clear to me now that my mom completely adored me and doted upon me. At the time though, I took her tendency to be critical to be a reflection on me when it was really just my mom’s struggle with anxiety showing itself.
My mom worked full time when I was very young, but she would come home from work and play with me for hours before I went to bed even though she must have been exhausted. She read to me endlessly. I attribute my love of reading and creative writing to all the hours I spent curled up in her lap as she read me picture books and eventually entire novels.
I consider myself so fortunate that she always was supportive of all my creative endeavors. She praised my writing, drove me to all my theater rehearsals, and supported my decision to go to Film School.
My mom created amazing childhood memories for me from the little things like the home cooked meals we always shared to the family vacations we took. We drove up the coast of California over two weeks, went to places like Mexico, New York, Hawaii, and Canada. Every trip was a success because of my mom’s gift for planning.
I admire her other gifts as well. She is an accomplished architect and an amazing crafter. She paints, knits, crochets, and sews. She painted me the most spectacular secretary desk. It is one of my most favorite treasures.
Most of all I admire my mom’s strength and perseverance. When my parent’s separated after over 25 years of marriage, she went back to work for the first time since my early childhood. She also took on caring for me, her chronically ill daughter, both physically and financially.
I cannot count the hours she’s spent being there for me through the hospitalizations and other aspects of my illness. It was rough on our relationship at first. I had been a fiercely independent person and had a difficult time accepting help from her graciously. She wasn’t used to giving up her freedom to be there for me constantly. But in the end it brought us closer together as we grew to really value each others company and spending time together in every context.
I am so blessed and grateful for my mom! I only hope that someday I can be as wonderful a mom to my children as she has been to me.
Writer’s guilt. That horrible feeling when you experience when you fail to write. I’ve long struggled with writers guilt subsequent to writing only sporadically. But as I approach the end of the first draft of my first novel, I’m finally getting into the groove of writing regularly. Here are some of the techniques I’ve employed that have helped me get writing and avoid writers guilt.
- Make promises.
I found that making promises on a regular basis extremely helpful. I make weekly writing promises and promises for each writing session. It helps to make these promises in a tangible and measurable form so you know if you met them. This is why I prefer to make my writing promises in number of words, pages, and scenes written rather than in time spent writing. The former is much more concrete because you know when you’ve written a page, but it’s easy to sit for a hour “writing” while only actually typing for a few minutes.
- Hold yourself accountable.
Promises are somewhat meaningless if you don’t hold yourself accountable to them. This may seem rather obvious, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of making excuses to yourself about why you haven’t written. But if you are committed to your writing, you owe it to yourself to meet your own writing promises and goals. That being said, when you fall short, don’t waste time beating yourself up. Acknowledge that you haven’t kept your promise, and then make a new one that you can keep.
- Don’t wait until you’re in the mood to write.
When you are serious about your writing, you simply cannot afford to wait until you feel like writing to write. If you wait to feel in the writing mood, you might never or rarely write. Remember that your writing is more important than your feelings about writing. Besides, I’ve found the quality of my writing has little to do with how “in the mood” I’ve felt at the time. And most of the time when I force myself to get started, the writing is flowing before long.
- Schedule writing time.
We live busy lives, and our schedules fill up quickly. So it’s easy to run out of time to write. I try to avoid this pitfall by scheduling time on my calendar just for writing. This also helps me avoid only writing when I’m in the mood.
- Shut down distractions.
Computers are great for writing, but they are also big sources of distraction. When you are entering into scheduled writing time, shut down other programs on you computer like chat and email clients that might distract and interrupt you. Also turn off televisions and silence cellphones. There are also writing programs that help eliminate distractions with features like full screen mode.
- Try a change of scenery.
If you really can’t get any writing done in your normal writing spot, try changing locations. I’ve found that going out to write forces me to both schedule writing time and get away from writing distractions like the internet.
- Gather support.
Writing may be a solitary activity, but you don’t always have to go it alone. Other people can be a great source of encouragement and support. I have an amazing writing critique group that helps me maintain a writing structure and gives me awesome feedback on my writing on a regular basis. If in person writing groups don’t work for you, look to writing communities online. There are writing chat rooms, forums and websites to be had.
- Keep at it.
Don’t give up! There are still times when I fail to write as often or prolifically as I would like, but I keep going back to it, and my persistence ultimately keeps the worst of my writer’s guilt at bay.
One year ago today I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It was a decision that surprised many least of all me. I was raised Jewish. In fact, I was Bat Mitzvahed, Confirmed, and even taught religious school while I was in High School. And although I always felt a strong cultural connection to my Jewish heritage, I never felt spiritually fulfilled. I wanted to feel close to God, but didn’t know how. So I in my mid-twenties, I began to search for a faith that would help me find what I was looking for.
At the same time I was battling a serious physical illness. I was diagnosed with multiple autoimmune diseases that kept landing me in the hospital. And among other symptoms, I had joint pain so severe I had been in a wheelchair full time for over a year. I also had lost a lot of my independence due to my illness, and required a full time caregiver to help me with basic things.
My caregiver was a girl about my age and she was a member of the LDS church. We would have lots of discussions about faith, and she taught me a lot about the church. As a result, I decided to start praying. I had never really done so before. But at first prayer didn’t make me feel any closer to Heavenly Father. So I decided to do an experiment. I decided to try adding the words “in the name of Jesus Christ” to the end of all my prayers. Suddenly I started to feel connected to Heavenly Father in a new way.
Around this time my caregiver invited me to attend church with her and get a blessing for healing from the missionaries after church. From the moment I entered the church building I was filled with a sense of happiness and peace.
But the true miracle of my conversion occurred during my blessing. The missionaries placed their hands on my head to impart the blessing, and I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of connection to Heavenly Father. I felt His love so intensely I nearly passed out. It was so strong! Up until that point I had no idea that it was possible to really feel God. And from that moment on, I KNEW that Heavenly Father lived and that Jesus was the Christ. I started taking the missionary discussions that week.
That week another miracle occurred. I suddenly had a lot less pain in my joints. I decided to try and start walking again for the first time in over a year. By the time of my baptism six weeks later I was able to walk for the whole thing!
My baptism was an amazing day. My whole ward at church attended it, and my dad and his girlfriend were also there to support me. What I remember most was the feeling of pure love I felt. The love that Heavenly Father has for me. I felt it so strongly that day, and I was just so happy I couldn’t stop beaming.
Since then my decision to become Mormon has been confirmed many times over while doing things like reading scripture or attending church each week. I have also found an amazing support network in the church. I have made amazing friends who have been there for me through some really difficult times and really wonderful times. My decision has brought me so much peace and joy in my life. I have never been happier.