Breathless

Breathless

Sometimes, despite my best intentions, strongest convictions, all my strength and will, all my hope and faith, commitment and passion… sometimes despite everything I am, was, and will ever be… sometimes things fall apart.

Sometimes it seems like there’s no putting things back together again.

The past few weeks I’ve had my fill of Humpty Dumpty moments.  My emotions splatted out on the ground for the whole world to see.  At first it was for seemingly no reason.  Then, little by little the source of my tears began to bubble to the surface.  Flashes of suppressed memories of my last three month hospitalization haunt me.  I was in the ICU almost a month and I remember everything.

Yesterday was odd sort of relief  at receiving a diagnosis.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When I got home from my doctor’s office, I decided it’s time to stop suppressing the pain.  Putting a name to it is a good first step, but it was really time to let a little of it out.  So I wrote this poem about the experience:

Breathless

by Lauren Soffer

How can I speak when
The pain leaves me breathless
Tear drops unspoken
Burdens unshed

Urgent
Failure
Crisis
Life unsupported

Defined by wounds unforgotten
Terrorized
Paralyzed
A prisoner of my own head

Inhaling insurmountable
Hemorrhaging sorrow
Lost
I surrender

Where darkness ends
Myself begins
My Savior carries me
Breathing each breath

As I relinquish my anguish
For His infinite love
Safe in His Eternal arms
I am found

Through writing the poem, in a tiny way I began the process of transformation.  Turning something ugly into something beautiful.  Turning my pain into strength.  And with that I found a iota of peace in that moment.  I am struck by the following scripture:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (D&C 122:7)

I’m grateful to have the faith that hard things in life will all be for my growth and benefit.  Maybe things fall apart because life is like a jigsaw puzzle: there’s no point if it comes already put together.

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Planning For Happiness

Planning For Happiness

Lauren's First Birthday

Lauren’s First Birthday

This year my greatest birthday wish came months before my birthday.  It was to be out of the hospital to celebrate my special day.  This week, on Tuesday, is my birthday.  I will be turning 29 and entering the last year of my twenties.  After 11 long, hard, and often frightening weeks in the hospital, I am very relieved and grateful to say that I am home from the hospital to celebrate.

It feels strange to know that my twenties are winding down, and I will soon be in my thirties.  Thirties sounds rather grown-up, and, in a lot of ways, I hardly feel like a grown up yet.  More than that I’ve spent a large part of my twenties feeling like I was failing to live up to my own expectations of myself.  I wrote about this last year in my post Living Up to Teenage Expectations (Ten Years Later).

What I began to see last summer when I wrote that post and that I now see so clearly is that I was so busy feeling like a failure for all the ways I didn’t measure up to where I thought I’d be or should be by now, that I couldn’t see how successful my life really is.  And more importantly I was robbing myself of the satisfaction and happiness that could come with that success.

Lauren's First Birthday Cake

Lauren’s First Birthday Cake

Life often doesn’t turn out how we plan as young adults.  As we grow older, we find out what God has planned for us.  And the wonderful thing is, though we cannot see it now, that plan is grander than anything we could have imagined for ourselves as teenagers and will ultimately lead us to happiness.  So my new plan is to abandon my own old expectations and put my trust in my Heavenly Father.  Trust that he knows what is best for me.  Trust that he can see the whole picture.  Trust that by following his plan I will be lead back to Him.  And trust that in doing so there will be more blessings along the way than I could have possibly imagined.

What a blessing it is that God is no respecter of persons.  While I, for the last decade, was so worried that I wasn’t in the right career, living in the right place, having the right romance, and achieving the right things, God and my Savior Jesus Christ were loving me for exactly who I was.  And they love me now for exactly who I am.  This frees me to give up all those old expectations and just move boldly forward with the knowledge that if I put my trust in the Lord, I will find eternal happiness.

Lauren's Fourth Birthday

Lauren’s Fourth Birthday

But what does this look like on a practical, day-to-day level?  The first thing that come to mind is I must make every effort to live my life according to His example.  The basics of prayer, church attendance, scripture study, and service are His standards to live by.  Beyond that I can create my life within the context of what’s happening now rather than what I thought I wanted or should be doing at this point.  So instead of trying to force the old dream of a career in film that just doesn’t fit anymore, I can relish in my new found love for novel writing and work towards getting published with passion and gusto.

Finally it’s absolutely critical to live in a space of constant gratitude.  I am so so so blessed to be alive after the last hospitalization I just had, how can I waste time worrying what a teenage version of myself would have thought of me?  Life is too lovely, too perfect, and too short for anything less.  This year on my birthday I will remember that.