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Sometimes, despite my best intentions, strongest convictions, all my strength and will, all my hope and faith, commitment and passion… sometimes despite everything I am, was, and will ever be… sometimes things fall apart.

Sometimes it seems like there’s no putting things back together again.

The past few weeks I’ve had my fill of Humpty Dumpty moments.  My emotions splatted out on the ground for the whole world to see.  At first it was for seemingly no reason.  Then, little by little the source of my tears began to bubble to the surface.  Flashes of suppressed memories of my last three month hospitalization haunt me.  I was in the ICU almost a month and I remember everything.

Yesterday was odd sort of relief  at receiving a diagnosis.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

When I got home from my doctor’s office, I decided it’s time to stop suppressing the pain.  Putting a name to it is a good first step, but it was really time to let a little of it out.  So I wrote this poem about the experience:

Breathless

by Lauren Soffer

How can I speak when
The pain leaves me breathless
Tear drops unspoken
Burdens unshed

Urgent
Failure
Crisis
Life unsupported

Defined by wounds unforgotten
Terrorized
Paralyzed
A prisoner of my own head

Inhaling insurmountable
Hemorrhaging sorrow
Lost
I surrender

Where darkness ends
Myself begins
My Savior carries me
Breathing each breath

As I relinquish my anguish
For His infinite love
Safe in His Eternal arms
I am found

Through writing the poem, in a tiny way I began the process of transformation.  Turning something ugly into something beautiful.  Turning my pain into strength.  And with that I found a iota of peace in that moment.  I am struck by the following scripture:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (D&C 122:7)

I’m grateful to have the faith that hard things in life will all be for my growth and benefit.  Maybe things fall apart because life is like a jigsaw puzzle: there’s no point if it comes already put together.

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