Archive for January, 2013
Sometimes, despite my best intentions, strongest convictions, all my strength and will, all my hope and faith, commitment and passion… sometimes despite everything I am, was, and will ever be… sometimes things fall apart.
Sometimes it seems like there’s no putting things back together again.
The past few weeks I’ve had my fill of Humpty Dumpty moments. My emotions splatted out on the ground for the whole world to see. At first it was for seemingly no reason. Then, little by little the source of my tears began to bubble to the surface. Flashes of suppressed memories of my last three month hospitalization haunt me. I was in the ICU almost a month and I remember everything.
Yesterday was odd sort of relief at receiving a diagnosis.
When I got home from my doctor’s office, I decided it’s time to stop suppressing the pain. Putting a name to it is a good first step, but it was really time to let a little of it out. So I wrote this poem about the experience:
by Lauren Soffer
How can I speak when
The pain leaves me breathless
Tear drops unspoken
Defined by wounds unforgotten
A prisoner of my own head
Where darkness ends
My Savior carries me
Breathing each breath
As I relinquish my anguish
For His infinite love
Safe in His Eternal arms
I am found
Through writing the poem, in a tiny way I began the process of transformation. Turning something ugly into something beautiful. Turning my pain into strength. And with that I found a iota of peace in that moment. I am struck by the following scripture:
And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (D&C 122:7)
I’m grateful to have the faith that hard things in life will all be for my growth and benefit. Maybe things fall apart because life is like a jigsaw puzzle: there’s no point if it comes already put together.
Driving home from the neurologist’s this afternoon, I was overwhelmed by how much I’ve endured this past year and how much I’ve overcome. No words that I could speak nor tears that I could shed could express the depth of my sorrow at that moment or the breadth of my gratitude for the life that I have.
It’s been a rough week. A lot of painful memories from my time in the ICU are coming up for me. Dreams that are actually remembered moments of frightened emotions are surfacing. It’s time to face them, as painful as that may be.
I’m reminded of one of my favorite poems I’ve ever written. I wrote it over 5 years ago, but it is just as relavant to how I am feeling to me right now as it was the moment I wrote it.
by Lauren Soffer
Today was a really good day
So why are are my eyes burning
With tears that could never be enough
If I could only cry them
Is it the difference between where I am
And where I could be – should be
Not lying here drowning in the dividing ocean
If I could remember to swim now
How did my life get so crowded
With people who look right through me
Hiding the few who wave right at me
If I could only see them
Maybe I forgot how to see myself
Treading water so long
That the current took me
But couldn’t – don’t want to go back
Because today was a really good day
And my eyes bear witness
Like the growing pain that knocks you down
Will I ever stand up?
I’ve been told on several occasions lately that I’m glowing. I was in the LDS Temple when I heard it first. One of the more locally important leaders came up to me to tell me that his counselor told him that I was glowing and that he agrees with him. I promptly turned a bright shade of red which I’m sure covered up any glow as I thanked him. But when I got home, I looked in the mirror and to my surprise, sure enough, I was glowing. Nothing green or yellow or radioactive, but my eyes and skin were lit up and shining. Glowing is a term usually reserved for describing women who are in love or pregnant. As I fall in neither category, it’s led me to wonder at the source of my illuminating shine.
Today I realized what that source was. I was at church this morning when that same counselor came up to me directly to tell me how much he thought I was glowing for himself. He also mentioned that could see a change in me. That’s what gave me the clue. I believe he was referring to a “change of heart” or a “mighty change” of heart of the variety written about beginning in The Book of Mormon, Alma, Chapter 5, Verse 12-14 & 26 :
12 And according to his faith there was a mighty change wrought in his heart. Behold I say unto you that this is all true.
13 And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.
14 And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
26 And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
While I was in the hospital for three months over this past summer, I really believe it wrought a mighty change in my heart. I learned to trust God like I never trusted before. Being on a ventilator, unable to breath on my own, while still being completely conscious, for such a long period during that time, was a humbling experience. It taught me to just keep giving me burdens over to my Savior. It also taught me how our short lives are such a gift to treasure every moment of.
When I got home, I began to recover in leaps and bounds, faster than I had ever recovered and from a way more intense hospitalization than ever before. I didn’t think much of it at first, but now I attribute it to the might change of heart I’m experienced. The peace, faith and connectedness I feel are all products of that change of heart that I experienced inside me. I felt the song of redeeming love so strongly then. Can I feel so now? I must answer a resounding, “yes!”
Which bring me back to the glow. I realize now that I’m not really glowing. Or rather when you look at me and see a glow, it’s not me that you are seeing. You are seeing the Light of Christ working through me. I have embraced Christ’s love and his love shines through me. His love makes me glow. So in a sense I am pregnant. I carry faith inside me and feed it and nurture it and grow it into its full divine potential. And I might not be romantically in love, but I strive to carry charity or “the pure love of Christ” with me everywhere I go. That is the glow you see. That is the light in my eyes. As it is written in The New Testament, Matthew, Chapter 5, Verse 16:
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.