All Apologies(20/365)Historically, apologizing has not come easily to me.  I used to be very concerned with being right.  More than that, I was completely wrapped up and entangled in the dangerous web of perfectionism.  I really thought that if I failed to be right all the time and perfect all the time, the fragile walls of my world would come crashing down around me.  I was convinced that if I wasn’t perfect, non one would love me.  And if I ever admitted my imperfections and acknowledged that I made a mistake, then I wouldn’t even know myself.  I couldn’t have been further from the truth.

perfectionismNo one likes a “perfect” person.  For one thing, there’s no such thing.  So when I was trying to appear perfect, I just came off as unrelatable and inauthentic.  I eventually came to realize that people in my life wanted me to let them in and see who I really was, imperfections and all.  They had no interest in the illusion of perfection I was attempting to maintain, but me as a real person had a lot to offer.

I also learned that people actually appreciated me more when I admitted my human frailties.  When I messed up and hurt someone I cared about, I learned to apologize.  I realized that I could be “right” and push people away or I could apologize when I needed to and have closer relationships in my life.  It is still something I struggle with, and the past few weeks I was put to the test.

SorryAbout a week ago, I found out that I had done some things that had hurt some friends of mine.  When I dug deep within myself I realized that I had certainly not acted as my best self.  There were some things I needed to apologize for.  I cried, I prayed, and I gave up being “right” and apologized.

It was like a breath of fresh air.  A weight off my chest.  There’s a subtle personal power in admitting that you are wrong and taking responsibility for who and how you are being in life.  But the greatest reward is the relationships that grow from my willingness to humble myself and apologize.  And I am thankful for friends that care about me enough to let me know when I’ve hurt them, so that I can make amends and grow from the experience.

God gave us weaknesses so that we might be humble and so that our weaknesses might be made into strengths.  I know this is true, and for that I am grateful.

About Lauren

Lauren believes that life can be full of joy and gratitude especially in the face of life's toughest trials. A highly creative person, the 32-year-old has a background in web & graphic design, musical theater, competitive improvisation, film production, and Alternate Reality Games. She is passionate about creative writing and is working on the final drafts of two science fiction novels. As a graduate of Landmark Education she has developed herself personally and professionally allowing her to powerfully create the life that she wants. After being diagnosed with multiple autoimmune diseases including Myasthenia Gravis and Sjogren's Syndrome, she adapted to new limitations while also discovering new interests and creative outlets that have given her life renewed purpose. Although she was raised Jewish, she converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Her faith helped her to endure and even flourish.